A few days ago, it was gloomy and cold (typical Icelandic weather), so a couple of my classmates and I decided to have a cozy night indoors and go see Transformers: The Last Knight in the oldest movie theater in Iceland, located a short 5 minute walk from our university center. Only Megan, Carter, and myself showed, despite the many other people who claimed they wanted to come see it.
So I'm gonna stretch my writing muscles and see if I can write a movie description/review for this...interesting...film. Here we go:
Transformers: The Last Knight opens with a mildly confusing scene set in the days of the Knights of the round table (at least that is the conclusion I came to based on the title of the movie and the couple appearances of a round-ish table throughout). After your brain situates itself and realizes "oh ... this is the movie, not just another preview" it immediately jumps to another equally important thought - "wait...how is this the movie?" - as you realize that there is no way there can possibly be large robots in the middle ages. Except for there are, so get over it.
Here begins the first plot line of the movie: Merlin the Wizard and his magic wand thingy.
Next scene: A group of kids in an abandoned town. They get found by the bad guys, shot by the other bad guys, saved by the third group of bad guys (or are they good guys?), and end up escaping and we never see them again the whole movie. Plot line opened, plot line immediately closed. If only they all worked out so nicely. This scene also opens up a very important question regarding an integral part of every movie plot equation: who ARE the bad guys? Stay tuned for the answer to that loaded question.
Also in the scene I just discussed, we meet a girl that fixes transformers and her small robot friend whose name was not memorable enough to remember. He was small, slow, blue, walked around on wheels, couldn't speak, and played an integral role in saving the day (spoiler alert!). Since I've never heard of any other character like that in any movie I've ever seen, I'll just invent some robot-sounding name comprised of numbers and letters off the top of my head - R2D2? Sure, we'll go with that.
Next we switch scenes yet again to a junkyard (fitting, since this movie is a piece of trash) where we see our hero, Cade Yeager, who is on the run from the bad guys and the other bad guys because why not. This means that he has a daughter that he can't talk to, but she continues to call him and leave him "I love you" voicemails.
2 words: PLOT. HOLE. Don't know about you but if my dad chose his giant robot friends over me, the only voicemails he would be getting would be from the closest mental hospital. In this junkyard, we meet just enough Transformers that we can't remember their names, but not enough that we give up on trying.
Next scene: in outer space somewhere where our Transformer hero Optimus Prime is angry that his home planet of Transformerland (not the actual name of it, that would make too much sense). So he goes berserk and joins up with yet another bad guy. This bad guy was short, silvery, sounded like a girl, lived in space, and could shoot lasers out of its hands. Don't remember its name, so I'm gonna make up another oneeee...top of my head...Palpatine. Sounds original to me.
So Palpatine turns Optimus Prime into this darth i mean dark character, Pessimus Prime (it's actually Nemesis Prime but I like my version better because it makes him sound like a pouty little b**** and I'm all about accuracy, people).
Back on Earth, everyone on the planet is now trying to find Marlin's son Nemo. Wait shoot wrong movie....Merlin's magic wand thingy. Apparently it can only be used by one of his descendants. Conveniently enough, there are so many left! Don't kid yourself, there's only one. So Cade and the good guys kidnap her, the bad guys and the other bad guys want to catch Cade and end up hindering their progress with their team of MOHAWK and some others. The only one I could remember was MOHAWK because it was a real word and it came flying at you from the middle of the screen. You would think with all of their special effects for this movie, the director could find some cool way of introducing these characters besides the "Grow and Turn" animation from Powerpoint that we all used in 4th grade.
Pause: I came to this shocking realization that if you take all of the letters in TRANSFORMERS and mix them around, you get STAR MORN SERF which is so close to STAR WARS it's not even funny.
Unpause: Good thing they introduced all of those characters to us with Powerpoint animations, because they never show up for the rest of the movie. Rip, MOHAWK. So...where were we again? (Had to ask myself that several billion times throughout the course of this movie) Oh! Finding Marlin's stick! Also looking for Marlin's stick was Pessimus Prime so that he could bring it back to Palpatine and destroy the Earth, naturally. They found Marlin's stick all rotted up and decayed in some mummy cave somewhere, no idea how they got there. They also found Marlin's magic wand thingy there too. Pessimus took it, said "nah nah na boo boo," and ran away like a 2 year old.
I'm going to fast-forward through about 2 hours of battle scenes as they fight for Marlins's magic wand thing in space, here we go...
CLASH CLANG BANG
PING CLANG CLASH
"You've just been stung!"
BANG BASH CLANK
RING TANG BASH
I ran out of metal-on-metal sounds, I'm really sorry. In the end R2D2 saves the day, and they all live happily ever after with an important message from Optimus Prime (oh yeah, his BFF named Bee saves him and turns him back to Optimus with his moving quote from a few lines up). Here is Optimus's message to us that we must carry with us forever:
"Opposites attract. All is fair in love in war. Time heals all wounds. What goes around comes around. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. All for one and one for all. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. They all lived happily ever after." -Optimus Prime
Wow, Optimus. Truly moving cliches.
But wait...who were the bad guys? And what about the-
Stop right there. No clarifying questions allowed.
Annnnd that pretty much sums up the movie. To leave you with a positive spin on it, here is my honest *positive* opinion of the movie Transformers: The Last Knight.
This movie will truly be one you will never forget. It is three hours of pure laughter that will challenge both your attention span and your patience. It is the perfect story line to lose yourself in if you wish to never find yourself ever again. You will leave the theater with a new perspective on the world. And if you see it once, you never have to see it ever again.
And they are making another one!
No comments:
Post a Comment